The more unsafe a woman feels, the more she may crave demonstrations of what will make her feel safe again. She wants more affection, more attention, more reassurance. To a man, it can seem as though his mate has suddenly fallen apart, and that she's become too weak and needy. To her, it seems as if she's reverting to behaviors that reflect her most insecure self.

What Men Do That Doesn't Work:

Typically, most men do not have a positive reaction to a woman's neediness or insecurity. Even though these are the times when a woman needs the most reassurance from her partner, often a man's response is to withdraw and actually give her less reassurance than normal, which of course only makes things worse.

This begins an unhealthy, vicious cycle that most couples are all too familiar with: The woman feels unsafe and becomes a little needy; the man reacts negatively to her neediness by pulling away; the more he pulls away, the more unsafe she feels, and the needier she gets; then he pulls away even further, and the whole situation spirals downward.

Every woman has dozens of stories about this phenomenon from her own relationship, times when her mate did or said something that stirred up unsafe feelings, and she instinctively responded by becoming more needy, only to have him react negatively to her insecurity. I remember one incident in my own life years ago that perfectly illustrates this pattern. At the time I was in a committed relationship with a man I loved very much. One day he announced that his former girlfriend was visiting from out of town, and that he was meeting her for lunch. Instantly, I became anxious and tense. My stomach tied itself in knots, my heart started to beat faster, and my mind filled with fearful thoughts. This reaction wasn't totally uncalled for-my boyfriend had always told me he suspected his former lover still had the hots for him. So when I knew he was going to see her, it definitely stirred up unsafe feelings for me.

"Does Cindy know about us?" I asked him in a strained voice.

"I'm sure she does," he answered defensively. "My friends must have told her by now."

"You mean you didn't talk about me when she called?" I responded, becoming even more agitated.

"We only spoke for a few minutes," he retorted. "Why are you getting all bent out of shape over this?"

"Why do you think? I know Cindy wants you back, and I don't like the idea of you going to lunch with her, as if you're available and interested."

"Don't be ridiculous, Barbara!" he said angrily. "I can't believe how insecure you are. Stop acting like my mother and telling me what to do. I can have lunch with whoever I want to."

If I'd been feeling a little insecure and unsafe when this conversation began, now I was feeling twenty times worse. Instead of realizing that the situation naturally stirred up unsafe feelings in me, my boyfriend only saw that I had turned into an insecure, needy, paranoid woman, which obviously turned him off and made him withdraw even more.

How could this drama have been prevented? Well, he could have refused to see his on-the-prowl former girlfriend, but that's a different discussion. More important, if he'd understood the information in this chapter, he could have realized that, rightly or wrongly, I wasn't feeling safe, and he could have done something to reassure me. For instance, if he'd taken me in his arms and said, "Sweetheart, you don't have to worry about her. I love you. I plan to tell her all about how happy we are together," I still wouldn't have been thrilled about the lunch, but my safety level would have instantly gone way up.

Men may read this and think, "It can't be that easy," but I disagree. It often doesn't take much to dissipate unsafe feelings in a woman. You'd be surprised how rapidly we can shift out of our anxiety when you give us some reassurance.

What Women Want Men to Know:

Most women recover very quickly from feeling unsafe when men offer us some love, caring, and reassurance. Just a little bit of effort from a man at these times can go a long way, and will definitely be worth it since it will prevent the situation from getting even worse.

Guys, I can't emphasize this point enough: Most women have a very quick recovery time from being upset if you just do something to make us feel safe again. I know you don't like to feel you "have" to behave a certain way, just because a woman wants you to. But I assure you that you'll be saving yourself so much trouble, time, and energy if you give this a try.

What Women Would Like Men to Do:

If you sense we suddenly have become more needy and for some reason are exhibiting symptoms of not feeling emotionally safe:

Don't criticize us for our neediness and make us feel even more unsafe.

Don't pull away or avoid us and make us feel even more unsafe.

Instead, we would love it if you would accept that we're feeling unsafe, whether it makes sense to you or not, and offer us some reassurance, some affection, and some tenderness.

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Women's health